Friday, May 20, 2011

Only For Believers! Preparing For The Rapture!!!!

(Disclaimer: If you do not like satirical, dry, or otherwise slightly offensive humor DO NOT READ! This is meant purely for purposes of humor, nothing less, nothing more.)

That's right folks! St. Theresa is about to be joined by a whole lotta believers! Can you say partaay?! I'm sure no one likes to be getting their rapture on alone...but not to worry, this once in a life-time event is upon us! Now for such an occasion many of you may be wondering "What should I be doing over the next 24 hours to prepare for this glorious event?" Well I have prepared a list for you so that you can spend the next day taking care of and doing what's most important.

1. Don't Do Anything That Will Ruin Your Chances of Ascension! - Please don't mock" The Believers" and for Pete's Sake, don't sin! In fact, you better take you sinful butt down to Church right now, and get a Confession! Bringing the Priest milk and cookies might better your chances as well...

2. Have Sex! And Lots of It!- Of course, only if you enjoy the sanctity of marriage, if not refer to #1. But seriously folks you better take the day off of work and get some nookie now, who knows if you can get it in the after-life. I mean the last time humans and angels copulated we got the Nephalim and as Borat would say that "Was Notta So Good!" So, I'm pretty sure there's going to be a hands off policy.

3.Go Shopping!- Hell yeah! Run up those credit cards! Get what you want! The only things that will be left over after the Rapture are sinners and looting, so the credit card companies are going to be screwed anyway. Hey just call me and we'll go on a shopping spree, I just got a 30% off coupon in the mail for Kohl's, more savings = more things you won't be able to take to the Pearly Gates, but hey you've only got one day to get that mixer you've always wanted.

4. Pack For The Rapture!- Essentials include but are not limited to, portable harp, baby-wipes, hand-sanitizer (You better not clasp the hand of St. Peter with dirty fingers!) lavender-filled neck pillow (it might be a long trip), toothbrush, your ENTIRE collection of True Blood ( Blue-Ray preferred), and of course as mommy always told you, clean undies. I will also be bringing my kitty cat with, cause I just think she'll look super cute with angel wings!

5. Make Amends- Yes, I know your b*tch Trigonometry teacher gave you a "C", but this is no time to be slamming that cool glass of Hater-Aid, or taking a ride on the Ele-hater for that matter. No, you're gonna have to suck it up on this one or else be left here on this retched planet with her! You've spent that last semester dealing with her crap, you certainly don't want to spend the rest of eternity with her now do you? Send her some flowers or something with that credit card you won't be paying on and get extra eternity points!

6. Ladies, Put On Some Make-up and Get Yur Hair Did!- You've already seen the effects on your husband when he comes home from a hard day at work and you're still hanging out in that horrible fuzzy-teal robe your mother in law got you for Christmas. Mmmhmmm. Girl, you need to freshen up! It's not everyday that the real bridegroom comes to claim his wife, so get those highlights done and your nails pedicured up. After you're done refer to number 2 on the list, then number 1 (if you're living in sin), and then re-freshen up by lighting the oil lamps, applying a little lip gloss and spritzing on a little Eau De Salvation. Now you're ready for the rapture and never looked better!
7. Burn all your Sh*t!- You don't want those sinners looting your stuff post-rapture and getting all your goodies. No, they deserve the pits of hell, not Gramma's bone china. About 5:00 pm (because we all know the rapture starts promptly at 6:00) start a bonfire and start dancing! Or on second thought, don't! We don't want to be mistaken for those icky pagans dancing around praising Satan and such. Better to go back inside and start counting up your salvations points, just in case you need to quick run back to Church and see the Priest again.

8. Say Thank You! - I better not see you at the Pearly Gates acting like you belong their O.K. ! Humilty is key here. Make sure you say please and thank you, and if you want to go the extra mile take some soot from you bonfire and smear it all over...not you of course ladies, you don't want to mess up your hair, we can leave the dirty work for the men.


  1. Hilarious


  2. Someone in my neighborhood decided to buy a giant bag of clothing and shoes at the local thrift store and lay out complete sets around several neighborhoods to make it look at if people had disappeared where they stood. The faces of people coming out to get their morning papers were priceless, I'm just glad I was heading to work early enough to see it.